My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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