She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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