You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
