I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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