Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
