He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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