Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
