Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
