i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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