I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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