My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
