and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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