I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
