I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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