we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
