My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
