My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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