I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
