so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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