She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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