My liver just broke up with me...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
