I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
