So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
