when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
