she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
