he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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