im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
