Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
