The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
