I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
