Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
