how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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