I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
