If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
