Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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