I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
