so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
