Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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