Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
