Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Buhtt sex?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
