I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
