totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
