Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
