You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
