i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
