I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
