last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
