Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
