my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Sorry my hands just texted you
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
