wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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