the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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