Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
