i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
