go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
