were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
