I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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