Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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