That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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