Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
