I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
